The following information is something I haven’t ever really discussed, It was a while ago and I want to make clear that I am healthy now.
Wearing: Lanvin x H&M Fur Coat, Lanvin x H&M T-Shirt, Lanvin x H&M necklace, Amisu Leather pants, Christian Louboutin Peeo toes, DIY bag with Lanvin Flower, CASTRO vintage ring
The reason I decided to post this is due to the fact that I struggled with these pictures. I didn’t want to put them up. After pregnancy and gaining 30-something kilos was hard for me considering my issues with eating disorders. Now spending money on a size 38 is more than depressing to me. The reason I did put them up is because this is who I am, this is what I look like and this is how much I weigh. I am slowly [but surely] losing weight and getting back to where i was before the healthy way.
I’ve always had weight problems, from around the age of 8 or 9, and losing weight has been a war ever since. I used to be made fun of, and made it a habit to hate myself because everyone else did already, or at least that’s what it felt like. Around the age of 11 I already started cutting things out of my diet like meat, and became over-obsessed with calories and my biggest fear in life was being fat again. By the age of 15 my diet was so strict I barely ate anything. Nothing with oil, nothing with carbs, nothing with more than 200 calories, i dropped my daily calorie intake to about 500. By the age of 16 i was eating 3 lettuce leafs a day, a cup of coffee or a diet coke and my daily calorie intake dropped to 100 if anything.
I was happier with myself for a while, but the obsessions took over me and before i knew it it got out of hand. I was never skinny enough, and never beautiful enough, and never good enough. I disgusted myself, i hated myself more than ever before. I looked in the mirror and saw this fat ugly disgusting thing that I could’nt even call human.
I was a dancer, a track team memeber and a swim team member.
I was hospitalized twice for paralysis of the legs. I fainted constantly, I was exhausted ALL the time, I was depressed most of the time. I had to go into the hospital every two weeks to get shots for malnutrition. The funny thing is that very little people knew this was going on, and the people that did either ignored it or just didnt know why I was fainting and depressed.
I pulled into myself and went out with my friends less, I stopped dancing, and almost everything I loved. I had developed Arrhythmia [Irregular heartbeat], swelling of the joints (which I still suffer from today) migraines, dizziness, and depression.
After my hospitalization I had to start eating otherwise there was a risk i would never walk again. For a while I became bullimic, and struggled with that for a little over a year, and then on and off after that.
After my pregnancy I thought about it. I thought about how I would never do that to myself no matter how much I wanted to, how much weight I have to lose, or how desperate I was. I’m losing weight slowly but I would much rather be healthy, even if it means struggling for a while, I struggled when I wasn’t.
The thing is, is that this is something that will always be part of my life, I’ll always have this intense fear of becoming fat or being fat. This perfectionism that will never go away.
If you have an eating disorder, please get help, you can be a lot happier and i know it sounds almost impossible. You are not alone. You can always e-mail me at diane@perfectism.com. If you are in the USA , call 1800-931-2237
